846,800 Reasons to Be Your Own Hero
Last week I was sitting across from my best friend and I asked a question that I was scared to hear the answer.
“How many times throughout the day do you think about your body? Like, make an observation or statement about it to yourself”, I asked.
Her answer confirmed for me what I had always feared.
I am my body’s own worst enemy.
Last year I wrote a post that some people tell me is their favorite of all time.
I can see why. Everyone loves a before and after- a small scaled heroes journey.
Yet, I’m nowhere near being my own hero.
On average I make a negative mental observation and comment about my body to myself at least 5 times an hour.
I tracked it the other day. It was almost like I wanted to see the metrics of what I intuitively already knew.
Multiple that by how many hours a day I’m awake and that gets you 80 comments a day.
80. Negative. Comments.
If someone insulted me verbally 80 times a day I’d never allow them into my life past a portion of that day.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are positive comments interspersed in there as well, but they aren’t the majority.
I estimate that this ebbs and flows in my life yet I can remember as far back as 10 years old being critical of my body.
10 years old.
That hits me hard as I can see the face of my 9 year old son.
846,800 negative comments to my physical body over the span of my 39 years of life.
No wonder She works so hard to protect me. She’s protecting me from myself.
This has nothing to do with the numbers on the scale and everything to do with a battle that is raging within myself.
Since I wrote about the journey to the pink polka dot dress, I have gained weight and can no longer fit in that dress.
Of course I can’t, my physical body is protecting me from the mental battle that is being waged within me every single day.
Over the past year since I wrote that post I have achieved a level of physical and mental strength that is higher than any years of my life that isn’t reflected on the scale.
By having the courage to embark on the journey through yoga teacher training I had to peel back the layers of my body and mind to reveal what lies beneath.
With each inhale and exhale, each twist of my torso, each planting of my toes firmly on the mat I was able to reveal the truth that lies beneath.…….
The size of our spirit and soul has nothing to do with the shape of our bodies.
We glow. Forever and always. We are meant to glow and our baseline essence is one of light and utter joy.
For me to truly embrace who I am and my purpose here I need to end my personal battle with the scale, and what it represents, and tenderly and compassionately learn to love myself more than anyone else in the world.
Over the course of my life I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds, counted more calories, points, ounces and carbs than should be humanely allowed.
Each day we see memes or picture quotes talking about it will only happen if you want it bad enough. ‘How bad do you really want it?’ they say.
Do you know what I want so much that it aches? To love myself with the same level of obsession and open-heartedness that I give to my son.
If I’m a size 16 for the rest of my life and glow with self-love that shines brighter than the brightest star in the sky, it will be a dream come true.
I know I’m not alone. As women, we chase loads of dreams and oftentimes the beliefs we hold about our body hold us back.
If you kept a tally of the quality of your thoughts, how would they rank?
This is a dream I’m chasing, a quest I’m on. It’s as easy as observing, without judgement, the lies I tell myself.
Bring it back to love.